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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
A dad and his duck
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Whoa 😂
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good