*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.