I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles