I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol