So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
i smell a pulitzer
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”