Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
lmaaaaaooooooooo
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*