Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift