PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You Might Also Like
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
groan^2
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.