The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Batman v Dracula
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that