“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.