If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.