My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
this is the most humiliating day of my life
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My birth announcement for our third baby
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.