The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You Might Also Like
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.