*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
found my next D&D character name
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall