Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations