wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?