“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
mentally somewhere in italy
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process: