“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.