Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
You Might Also Like
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.