Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
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[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
when dads have a rap battle
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.