Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I like crazy people until they notice me
TODAY
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Well, this certainly took a turn
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.