cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons