Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?