“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Bringing home a sharpie
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.