The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.