Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
All excellent questions
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.