My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese