Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.