(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Storm Tropical Storm
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate