[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
*pokes sex life with a stick
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.