I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.