My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
i really liked this one
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”