She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
You Might Also Like
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: