If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.