i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.