[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
You Might Also Like
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Those are good neighbors.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes