One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.