My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
When I said I liked it rough.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong