If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards