Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Omg 🤣
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit