estão todos miauvindo?
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Happy Thanksgiving
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are