Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year