dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.