Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice