[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.