YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If only
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.