Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??