Doug is just Canadian for dog
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I beg your pardon?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
wow he looks just like him