‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
#damn
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
uh oh
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.