I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.